“Be careful how much you give away, even with the best of intentions…” “I administrated my children more than I did snuggle and listen to them because snuggling and listening required emotional resources I’d long since depleted.”

~Shauna Niequist an excerpt from Present over Perfect

Recently I started meeting with a spiritual director.  After many sessions of pouring out my heart and soul, searching for the root case of my ever growing anxiety she said to me: “Shannon, aren’t you exhausted?”  I replied, “I HAVE been sleeping enough and am not as tired as I thought I would be.”  “No,” she said, “EMOTIONALLY exhausted.”

And that was it.

She was right. I had been spreading myself so thin, trying to please everyone around me to the point that my emotional tank had run dry and I was sputtering along; slowly coming to a halt.  I felt as though I had nothing left to give…nothing left for my children, nothing left for my husband and it left me enveloped in guilt and sadness.  My whole life I have measured my self worth on what I had earned or achieved. The more balls I could juggle, the better I felt about myself. If a friend invited me some place and I felt as though I had not given the right amount of time to that person I felt unworthy of that friendship.  I know that’s a wrong way to think, but that’s what I had told myself.  Some nights my husband would come home from being away on a trip and instead of enjoying his company I would bury myself in social media, because it was easier to please people behind the veil or Facebook or Instagram rather than reveal to him the broken mess I had become. I felt weak and embarrassed because I had prided myself on being strong and independent; having it all together. But I didn’t and I was unraveling.

I have been struggling with the hold social media has taken on me lately.  It has been long weighing on my heart on whether or not I should walk away.  Why was it so hard?  I thought about the concept of “FOMO” (Fear of Missing out; for those of you who don’t know) and how that was one of the main reasons why I had not walked away from the world of social media.  Then today it hit me (and hit me hard).  While I was worrying about missing something important on Facebook and losing myself in numerous posts about many people, quite frankly, I barely knew anymore I was missing moments with the people I loved most who were living  under the same roof.  I had missed moments where my newborn daughter would break away from nursing for a moment and look up at me and smile.  I had missed opportunities to sit and read with my son, J-Max.  I had missed conversations with my older children who soon will no longer choose me as their preferred method of conversation.  All those “fun” moments I had complained of never having were always there, I just never stopped long enough to notice them.  I will try not to continue to make these same mistakes.  I know this change won’t happen overnight, but the point is I am aware of it and I’m trying to fix this and move forward.

Jesus, give me the strength.